Ushno turns one month old today. And in this one month, I have been asked umpteen times by almost everybody I've spoken to - how does it feel to be a father? And the response has always been the same - it hasn't sunk in yet. Maybe because I don't share my physical space with both mother and child. Maybe because I hardly spent any time bonding with the baby, before I rushed back to Pune. My life here has been exactly the same as it was before. I spend five days working and two sleeping. I haven't had to drastically modify that routine in order to accommodate feeding and changing times. As the biological father, I have done absolutely nothing.
I remember an old friend of mine, when I told him we are expecting, had said "there's no feeling of pure love and joy like the first time you hold your own baby". Sadly, I didn't experience that. The first time I held Ushno, the only feeling I had was of pure terror. The only thought I had was - don't drop him don't drop him. Over the next seven days that I was there, that specific fear did go away, only to be replaced in the weeks that followed by a deeper more persistent thought - what exactly does a father do?
Times have changed. Earlier, societal norms dictated that the father's job was only to be a protector and provider. But now, I'm sure his mother is more than capable of being the breadwinner AND the primary caregiver. Which basically means, I am obsolete. Like a home landline. You need one as proof of residence or something, but no-one actually uses it. Some of you might chuckle at that description, but trust me, it's just an attempt to cover up the abject trepidation of being actually useless.
And so, in the absence of having to do anything worthwhile, I spent the past one month doing the only thing that I do best. Reading. I read the articles on how the presence of an involved father can impact the child's emotional and social development. I read the studies that say paternal engagement leads to emotionally secure children, which in turn develops the confidence in them to go explore their surroundings. I read the advice columns. I read the instructions manual. But let's be honest, cramming all the theoretical knowledge in the world doesn't really make someone a good father. Which is probably why they're called hands-on dads. C'mon, ask me again - how does it feel to be a father?
Ushno, I hope someday you get to read this. The thing is, when you're old enough to understand all of this, there are chances I may not be around. On that day, I want you to know that while you were struggling to make sense of this new world, I was a struggling one-month old too. Shine on, you faraway angel.
