Quiz Time

Epic randomness at the Vasundhara Enclave Durga Puja.

Bored with the usual routine of getting drunk, I had gone there to meet a friend's wife.. this kaku asks "tomra quiz khelbe?".. we nod our heads.. get thrust on stage.. and walk away with the first prize!!

...or as Julius Caesar would say - Veni Vidi Vici.

Here's a Love Quote..

If you love someone, set her free. Then, instead of waiting for her to come back.. take a weekend flight to where she lives, have a massive fight, and just royally fuck everything up.. on your two year anniversary day!

Damn, this is gonna hurt like a bitch.

Sad Cafe - Eagles

I first heard this song in 2001.. from an audio cassette (yes, an audio cassette) owned by my best buddy. I remember sitting with his Walkman.. my left thumb gingerly placed on the pause button, scribbling down the lyrics on the last page of my notebook. Later that year, this was one of the three songs (the other two being from Def Leppard and Bryan Adams) that I had crooned while trying to woo the girl who went on to become my college sweetheart. The people have gone.. the Walkman is dead.. but things in this life change very slowly, if they ever change at all.

I Have a Bad Feeling About This

No, this post isn't about running gags in the Star Wars series. I have a bad feeling about her leaving the city. Granted that she got a job, but I can't help think that there's something deeper here. Don't get me wrong, I'm super happy about her new role.. for Christ's sake I was the one who helped her with the entire application process. But I'm beginning to notice a pattern where she keeps running away from family. From what she's told me, I know that her relationship with her parents isn't exactly normal.. and even though I try my best to stay away from being judgemental, I can now see that it's affecting us. She has always had this latent need to punish her parents for leaving her and breaking her trust. Considering what she's been through as a child, I would say it is understandable, but unhealthy nonetheless. In the past one year of living in the same city, I really did try to build her a whole new world. But now I realize I was stupid enough to think I'm Alladin. Her need to get away from that house far outweighs her want to stay with me. That's the truth.

To be honest, I'm scared I won't be able to do this anymore. Oh, long distance.. my nemesis!

Comfortably Placed

It was exactly one year ago, I was sitting on an old metal chair in the middle of a classroom... my plastic smile betraying the sense of discomfort I felt as three strangers stared at me with their piercing eyes. The two angry men in dark suits had the exact same look on their faces... a look that seemed to scream out – “how dare you have sex with our daughter?”... and the pretty young thing... well, judging by the way she was being mollycoddled, one would think she definitely was the daughter in question! Shit. My mind was beginning to warp. I knew right then I shouldn’t have stayed awake all of last night watching back-to-back episodes of Modern Family. I tried to focus on the present. The three people on the other side of the table had come from the global consulting firm X&Y, and this was my final placements interview. It was the kind of situation b-school fantasies are made of... and all I could think was – “I wonder what she’s doing now.”

Placement season is the craziest time in a management institute. As a fitting end to the two years of dealing with Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome that fucks up your body and mind, here’s an intense three day window of emotional turmoil that sucks out your very soul. Three days. A hundred odd companies, all looking to hire the best brains of India, descend upon the hapless students much like the Biblical swarm of locusts. As a run up to the actual event, an air of gloom seems to envelope the entire campus. Suddenly, the same people who acted like you didn’t exist, want to know what you’ve written in your resume... you become the competition. More often than not, the burden of living up to those expectations gets too heavy for our frail twenty-something shoulders. I’ve seen my classmates burst out in tears, indulge in substance abuse, and even contemplate suicide. The Lord gave David a choice of three punishments, and David chose three days of plague.

Let’s face it. We all had our own reasons to want to improve our lives... and the dark suits were our Messiahs. There’s no point complaining about the way placements are conducted in our top b-schools. Maybe there is something inherently wrong about our education system; maybe our entire social structure is fucked up. But we can leave the "trickle of positive change" (sic) to Chetan Bhagat for now. The way I see it – if an organization is hiring someone on a million rupee salary, they have every right to put us through hell. Not that we minded the torture too much, the lure of big bucks kept us all going strong. Scratch a little beneath the surface, and you would find that it wasn’t just the money. We all had that one thing for which we were ready to compromise on the salary. While most of my friends desperately wanted a change in their job profiles, others fantasized about working for a particular dream company. For me, I had my heart set on shifting base to Delhi – the city where she lived.

It has been exactly one year since I didn’t get the job at X&Y Consulting. But I did get another one. In Delhi. I no longer have to wonder what she’s doing now.

Lager Beer and Dry Chili Chicken

The other day I was catching up with an old friend over the usual lager beer and dry chili chicken. With the conversation fast drying up, we ditched the obligatory small talk and did what old friends do best... we started reminiscing how awesome college used to be. The next three hours just flew by. At the end of the evening, supremely drunk, we promised each other that we should do this again.

I understand there’s something inherently sad about the fact that these days my good times are spent not creating memories, but reliving them... but let's not go there. What really got me thinking the next morning was why do we all have this almost romantic fascination for college nostalgia? Ask anybody about their college, and you’ll hear a sigh... "ohhh, those were the best days of my life"! What’s the big deal about college life anyways, that, years later, most of our conversations still revolve around the experiences we’ve had during this time?

Well, the answer isn’t that hard to figure out. College was when we grew up... from little girls to ladies... from little boys to, well, smarter boys. College was our first tryst with the big bad world. College was our last dance with innocence. College was where friends became closer than family. College was where we found out what it meant to belong.

Sorry, I guess I got a little carried away. Talking about the "good old days" seems to activate my fondness for poetry. In fact, it was during college that I developed and honed my taste for all things beautiful. Though we never exactly gathered around in dark caves reading dead poets... my friends and I did everything else to "suck the marrow out of life".

Most of you have been part of this corporate world for a while now. Important decisions are being taken not by you, but by your deadlines and deliverables. Stop. Pick up that phone. Call an old pal. Because there’s only one thing that goes well with lager beer and dry chili chicken... your college buddies!

A Tale Of Two Cities

A new beginning isn’t possible without an ending. Sometimes these endings are abrupt, and you’re left wondering what the hell just happened. Sometimes you’re lucky to get enough time to say a nice goodbye.. like I did.. with Mumbai.

I’m all set to leave the city I called home since late 2005. In a few hours, I’ll be in Delhi.. a new city.. a new chapter.. a new beginning. This shift of base is all part of a long term plan. Like a snake shedding its skin, I needed to slither out of my slaphappy days. It was high time I took responsibility for my future. With this change, now I’m all set to reclaim my life.

I’m excited because I don’t know what’s gonna happen next. I have taken the leap of faith.. and from here on in, the possibilities are endless. Amidst all the chaos that crowds my head, there’s just one thing I’m sure of.. the reason why I’m shifting to Delhi.

Rabindranath Tagore said about short stories - "shesh hoyeo hoilo na shesh". This was my story.. it ends right here. The rest belongs to us!

She's Perfect

This is her first birthday since we started going around. And all that she has asked for is a blogpost dedicated to our love. She says I write well. But honestly, I'm kinda scared right now. I know she would be overwhelmed with anything I scribble. I've seen her eyes go wide with excitement when I made two chocolate bars appear mysteriously from under my sleeve.. I've seen her wipe away tears of joy when I walked her in a room lit with scented candles. For every simple gesture of mine, like a little kid she will hold my hands and thank me a million times. I know I need not be nervous. That's how much she loves me. And that's exactly why I want to make this gift absolutely perfect for her.

So, while the perfectionist inside me keeps on trying.. here's to the beautiful lady who has made my life perfect. Happy Birthday!

Sad Eyes

You say you're happy and you're doing fine
Well, go ahead, baby.. I got plenty of time
Because sad eyes never lie
Because sad eyes never lie

~ Bruce Springsteen

If photos could speak, her sad eyes would be telling me to be strong right now. But I can't push away the pain inside when I know there are tears being fought back.

Where Do We Go Now...

Too many people, too many questions. Everybody has been asking me to put some serious thought into this. But I’ve made up my mind.. this loverboy is going straight ahead with loving her!!

To be honest, it's not like I haven't asked myself why am I doing this. The answers have ranged from "she's super duper hot" to "I feel sense of protectiveness around her". I’ve played with all possible explanations.. and for a long time I hadn't been able to pin point the exact reason. With anybody else I probably wouldn't have done so much soul searching, but here this was important because I knew there'd be a lot of people waiting to pounce on me with same question. And then it occurred to me that there is not one single answer. This girl is one-in-a-million.. and I love her for all that she is. That includes respecting her past and recognizing the scars it has left her with.

True.. there’s a certain amount of crazy attraction involved here.. and my decision could be blinded by the instant headrush that she is. But somewhere deep inside she makes me comfortable being me.. and that's the girl I would want to build my future with. I understand there will be good days and bad days.. but I want all those days to end with my baby in my arms. My choice is right here.

Never before have I been so clear on what I want to do. It’s the how that bothers me.

Getting Down to the Nitty Gritty...

I got an admission offer from NITIE today.

Two years from now I shall be a proud alumnus of a business school that is recognized by the Govt of India as one of the 15 centers of excellence.

Not bad, huh?

I Feel Like God!

Is it possible to ride a bike for 4 days straight, through 2478 kms of dirt and grime with just 11 hours of sleep?

Go figure! Bangalore - Kolar - Chittoor - Tirupati - Nellore - Nayadupetu - Kavali - Ongole - Chirala - Macchlipatnam - Gudivada - Ellur - Rajamundry - Vizag... and back!

The road may end, but the journey lives on.

Dev D

Dev D. Another awesome flick from the maverick Anurag Kashyap. His cold documentation of the 1993 Bombay blasts in Black Friday made us wake up to non fictional filmmaking, his eccentric expression of our right to freedom of choice in No Smoking gave us our first tryst with Kafka.. but this motherfucker of a movie just takes the cake!!

This being from the same guy who cowrote Maqbool and Omkara, I had expected that the characters would only be loosely based on the earlier Devdas, with just the right amount of urbanization. But Dev D thrashed the alcoholic lover cum martyr into a sleazy self centred bastard.. it mutiliated the Bengali novel into a bloody mess of sex, drugs and Patna ke Presleys. Yes, this was ugly.. and that is why it was so beautiful. The pace of the movie smashed me right in the face and then slowly picked out my drying scabs. Emotional Atyachaar at its best. MMS scandals in a Delhi school, a rich kid on his BMW mowing down pavement dwellers.. the story was too close (to the world that surrounds me) for comfort.. and I haven't even spoken about the alcohol abuse yet.

As for the acting.. everyone was just brilliant. I've been a fan of Abhay Deol since his Socha Na Tha days. I can't see anyone else as Devendra Singh Dhillon. But the awe factor of this movie came in the form of the two leading ladies.. newcomers Mahi Gill and Kalki Koechlin. They stunned me with their portrayal of the new age Paro and Chandramukhi... vulnerable yet headstrong, crazy yet adorable. I'd definitely like to see more of them in the future.

I know this blog was not meant for movie reviews. But then again, so wasn't this movie.

CAT2008

I got my CAT scorecard today. Ninety nine point two four percentile. But no IIM calls. Obviously I’ll get through another top ranking bschool and live happily ever after. But somehow, this hurts. Which is funny because I never did expect an IIM call. In August, when I stood patiently in queue for my application form, I didn’t expect an IIM call. In November, when I was furiously sharpening my HB pencils, I didn’t expect an IIM call. And now in January, while I nervously waited for the website to load, I didn’t expect an IIM call. Yet, this hurts. Maybe a little part of me was secretly hoping for a miracle. I really did give this everything I had. Anyway, shit happens. I guess I'll never see an IIM emblem printed across my plain white tshirt life.

Farewell

The play is done; the curtain drops,
Slow falling to the prompter's bell
A moment yet the actor stops
And looks around to say farewell.
It is an irksome word and task;
And when he's laughed and said his say,
He shows, as he removes the mask,
A face that's anything but gay.

In exactly 4 hours I have a one way ticket out of Mumbai.

Free Fallin'

I put down my papers today. Though this might come across as a shock, the truth is I've been weighing out the pros and cons since about a year. The decision was taken, I knew I had to pull the plug... at the end it was just me haggling with myself on what would be the perfect timing. Adding two months notice to this date, I think the stars are aligned now. I'm scared that the next one year might prove me wrong. But there is only one way to find out.

Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts... I'm gonna build my wings on the way down!

Appraisal

They told me it was "an ongoing, two-way process involving reflection on an individual’s performance, identification of personal ambitions and planning for career growth."

Somewhere, in the labyrinth of office politics and management jargon... I feel left out.

So, does that make me a disgruntled employee jealous about the fact that others are moving on? I think not. Life had taught me a long time ago that even though we're all running, the race is only with yourself.

With my first (and only) job, I've met all my personal goals. I'm inches away from becoming a millionaire at 25. In the last two years and nine months, I've actually done amazing.

But still... I feel left out.

Ho, Ho, Ho... Merry Christmas!

You can call me Ebenezer Scrooge, but I'm not at all being my cynical self when I state that Christmas disgusts me. Bah, humbug!

I really dont understand why there's so much festive cheer around when you know that a big fat hairy old chap in red rags is going to break into your house in the middle of the night and steal all your milk and cookies.

Merry Christmas, anyone?

Phoolon Ka, Taaron Ka... Sabka Kehna Hai

She'll always be my angel, my best friend, my sister!

R I P

There are a few moments that remain forever etched in our memory not because of their colossal impact on our lives, but because of the innate connotations they bring along.

An old college friend died last night in a bike accident. The news didn't shock me or move me to tears, it's true I probably last spoke to him in 2004. But since that phone call came, I've been sitting at my desk doing nothing, a dull throbbing in my head continuously reminding me how fragile life is. At the tender age of 24 when you're bustling with ambition and enthusiasm, all set to spread your wings and conquer the world.. pain and suffering seem to be distant possibilities, they happen to others. In the past two years I have grown to accept that my life will never be all fun n games anymore, but at the same time I never did think death will cast his gloomy shadow so soon.

The sun has begun to set. This is one such moment.

Happy Birthday to Me!

A few hours back I was strolling aimlessly in front of St Paul’s Cathedral, London... my mind straining to remember exactly where I was at midnight on my previous birthday. Sadly enough, I still can’t pin-point the precise moment.

Determined not to let this snapshot be washed away in the sea of odd recollections that crowd my head, I decided to burst my lungs screaming out the Happy Birthday song... but suppressed the urge on second thoughts, too scared that I might wake Him up.

Come to think of it... does God follow Greenwich Mean Time???

Across Seven Seas and Thirteen Rivers...

Last night I was at my own farewell party, smoking cheap cigars and guzzling watery beer till I dozed off. Tonight I have no clue where I am, struggling to sleep as that familiar sting in my left shoulder keeps creeping up. Why is it that pain always makes you remember the one you love the most? Between fond memories and a damaged ligament, my brain is a tangled mess right now... everything seems so surreal. I think my body clock is trying to adjust to the fact that I’ve just flown across five Time Zones.

They say everyone is destined to revisit their birthplace... welcome to United Kingdom.

Comfortably Numb...

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re sayin’.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I… have become comfortably numb.

Dreams don’t shatter like glass. They don’t crack through the middle, breaking into a million pieces.. each fragment identical to their mother, only uglier. No... they don’t crumble into dust. Dust, you can sweep away and forget about. Dreams curl up and disappear. And yet... loom all around your consciousness.. forever.

Life In A Metro

“Is shahr mein bas ek ghum hain, har ghar mein ek kamra kam hain”

This so aptly describes my plight living in this cramped city. A third of my salary goes towards house rent each month and yet the only space I get is the floor-area taken up by my 6ft-by-3ft mattress. With seven people staying in a 2 (matchbox-sized) bedroom flat, I really do miss my privacy… not to mention the other things that go missing like my socks and handkerchiefs. The only solitude I enjoy would be the first five minutes in the loo.. after which somebody or the other will invariably come banging on the door asking me to hurry up.

But I love this crowd... yup, I love all six of my flat-mates. There’s the Bengali intellectual who loves debating on whether true democracy exists, the Bihari gizmo-freak who stays glued to his new 17-inch laptop, the Oriya alcoholic who has a taste for bar-dancers, the Mallu communist who believes everyone should pay their taxes, the Mangalorian bodybuilder who has protein shake for breakfast-lunch-dinner, and lastly the Kannadiga hermit who nobody knows much about. The combined effect is 24/7 non-stop entertainment.

Funny how that sums up my experience of this city... even with our myriad miseries, entertainment is what we are best known for.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present... the city that redefined masala and gave us Bollywood... aamchi Mumbai.

Mind Fucked

My passport now bears a stamp saying I can officially set foot in the UK and work there for the next 24 months. There's just one slight hiccup. The client quoted a price too less, and that’s why we are withdrawing from the project. Translated... me going nowhere.

Funny how our minds work... I’m feeling worthless now coz I didn’t get something I never wanted in the first place. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh!

Had it all chalked out in November. Would have quit this job and gone for my MBA. I was even on the right track... gave my entrance exams, scored decent enough, and was looking for b-schools to apply.

Just then the devil snooped in and put in my head this brilliant career move. For the first time in my life, I decided to make a jump from Plan A to Plan B without a safety rope.

...and all the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Revolving Is Okay...

Revolving is okay. What I can’t take is rotation!!!

I was made to revolve around the Sun. I’m always at a fixed distance away from her. I know she’s there for me and I also know that she won’t just cease to exist in my life all of a sudden. Well.. at least not for another zillion years, that is. I can feel her warmth, her glow, her existence.. all the time. The truth is.. I am because she is. And yet we are not together. We both survive as separate entities complementing each others presence. She breathes life into my continuation and yet.. we are not together. By some cosmic turn of events, we are spaced apart and this distance will always be there.

Don’t get me wrong.. I’m not complaining. All this shit is actually okay. It wasn’t always so, but I’ve come to terms with it. I mean, come to think of it.. what other options do I have? Either I could break free from my orbit and hurtle into the darkness of perpetuity.. or I could plunge into her fiery depths and burn out. Well, both don’t seem too appealing to me. I’m kinda comfortable this way. That’s why I state “revolving is okay”.

But why do I have to rotate at the same time? Peekaboo.. now I see you, now I don't!! My life is made of days and nights.. and they keep coming at me. It’s just not fair. We face each other in the deadly game of sinful passion, and our emotions get scorched in the heat of day. We turn away from each other, only to experience the deafening tranquility of night. It’s no fun oscillating between these two extremes.. trust me.

A Testimonial for Her...

"So when are you writing one for me???" she asked. "And when you do, feel free to lie blatantly, just like all the others have.”

But as I sit here now, staring hard at my monitor... half expecting a few magical words to materialize out of sheer nothingness... panic grips me. How could I possibly pen down what this girl means to me? How do I objectively list out what I feel about my heartbeat... when, from as long as I can remember, my existence has been intertwined with hers?

And then... she flits back into my thoughts.

She is my pillar of strenth, my only weakness... the cold voice that pushes me to dig out life, the warm bosom that cradles me when I falter... the only person who believes that I can change the world, the only person for whom I would ever want to change the world.

Chennai

During those 36 hour train journeys between Kolkata and Bangalore, I used to have a small stopover at Chennai. I would dump my bag in the cloak room and wander around aimlessly in the streets. Soaked with perspiration under the hot sun, I would listen to snippets of conversation in a language alien. For those couple of hours.. all alone.. I was free from the past that Kolkata wrapped me in, free from the future that Bangalore offered.

Three AM

Its three AM on a cold December night. The cloudy sky extends her arms to greet us, as our bus rushes towards the impassive darkness. I lie awake, not because of the bumpy ride... but to watch you, cuddled up against me, fast asleep. The soft blue light runs along your smooth cheeks and drips down your body. Through the slight parting of your lips, I catch a glimpse of your tongue... mocking me with enticement. I lean forward to listen to the sensuous sound of you breathing.

Suddenly, a cloud shifts... revealing the sharp moon rays, which scamper across the night sky to prick your face. You wrinkle your nose in silent discomfort. I slowly put my right hand on your eyes... to cover your fragile beauty, to protect your innocence. You let out a soft, throaty moan, as you snuggle up closer. Maybe, just maybe... I am in love.

On Loony Lyrics and Life

“Relationships are made of glass” said my eccentric roomie in one of his not-so-rare poetic moods... “they are difficult to make, but easy to break.”

Generally I turn a deaf ear to these cheesy lines from my lyrical friend... but not this time. This time I couldn’t help but muse upon his choice of words and chuckle. How wrong he was.

Point 1 : Making glass is not at all difficult. Ask any Chemical Engineering graduate who is worth his salt... and he’ll explain to you the entire process along with the Design Requirements and Thermodynamic Considerations. It’s just glass.

Point 2 : Breaking up is not that easy. Period.

We have officially called it off... our raisons d'être being too many. In fact, it’s been six months since we decided to crawl out of each other’s lives. Six painful months of consciously trying to keep myself from thinking about her... and I’m getting nowhere.

You see, breaking up is not that easy.

Five years ago... I fell in love with a goddess. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse... till death do us part.

Get On With It...

Ok, so I’m a software engineer... and as much as I would love to hold somebody’s head down under water, the truth is... I can’t. Like the many other things I’m forbidden to do… ignore the 6:30 a.m. alarm every morning... enjoy the feeling of sweat trickling down the back of my shirt… have a social life outside my cramped cubicle space. I can’t.

Am I complaining? No... the fat paycheck I receive on the 30th of each month forbids me to do that too.

Welcome to my life.

The First Step

Blog... short for weblog... can be defined as an online personal journal... a frequent, chronological publication of personal thoughts, reflections, comments etc.

To me, it is that funny sound you hear when you are forcefully holding someone’s head under water trying to drown him.

BLOG-BLOG-BLOG...

Silence.

ARCTOPHYLAX

Arctophylax, the guardian of Arctos, was the ancient name of Arcturus (as referred to in Psalm 96:13)... the name of the brightest star in the Great Bear constellation.

It is pictured as a man walking rapidly, with a spear in his right hand and a sickle in his left hand.

Behind, and seeming to urge on the Bear,
Arctophylax, on earth Bootes named,
Sheds over the Arctic car his silver light.

The Greeks called this star Bo-otes, derived from the Hebrew root 'Bo' which means 'come'.

For He cometh,
For He cometh to judge the earth;
He shall judge the world in righteousness,
And the people with His truth.