Free Fallin'

I put down my papers today. Though this might come across as a shock, the truth is I've been weighing out the pros and cons since about a year. The decision was taken, I knew I had to pull the plug... at the end it was just me haggling with myself on what would be the perfect timing. Adding two months notice to this date, I think the stars are aligned now. I'm scared that the next one year might prove me wrong. But there is only one way to find out.

Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts... I'm gonna build my wings on the way down!

Appraisal

They told me it was "an ongoing, two-way process involving reflection on an individual’s performance, identification of personal ambitions and planning for career growth."

Somewhere, in the labyrinth of office politics and management jargon... I feel left out.

So, does that make me a disgruntled employee jealous about the fact that others are moving on? I think not. Life had taught me a long time ago that even though we're all running, the race is only with yourself.

With my first (and only) job, I've met all my personal goals. I'm inches away from becoming a millionaire at 25. In the last two years and nine months, I've actually done amazing.

But still... I feel left out.

Ho, Ho, Ho... Merry Christmas!

You can call me Ebenezer Scrooge, but I'm not at all being my cynical self when I state that Christmas disgusts me. Bah, humbug!

I really dont understand why there's so much festive cheer around when you know that a big fat hairy old chap in red rags is going to break into your house in the middle of the night and steal all your milk and cookies.

Merry Christmas, anyone?

Phoolon Ka, Taaron Ka... Sabka Kehna Hai

She'll always be my angel, my best friend, my sister!

R I P

There are a few moments that remain forever etched in our memory not because of their colossal impact on our lives, but because of the innate connotations they bring along.

An old college friend died last night in a bike accident. The news didn't shock me or move me to tears, it's true I probably last spoke to him in 2004. But since that phone call came, I've been sitting at my desk doing nothing, a dull throbbing in my head continuously reminding me how fragile life is. At the tender age of 24 when you're bustling with ambition and enthusiasm, all set to spread your wings and conquer the world.. pain and suffering seem to be distant possibilities, they happen to others. In the past two years I have grown to accept that my life will never be all fun n games anymore, but at the same time I never did think death will cast his gloomy shadow so soon.

The sun has begun to set. This is one such moment.

Happy Birthday to Me!

A few hours back I was strolling aimlessly in front of St Paul’s Cathedral, London... my mind straining to remember exactly where I was at midnight on my previous birthday. Sadly enough, I still can’t pin-point the precise moment.

Determined not to let this snapshot be washed away in the sea of odd recollections that crowd my head, I decided to burst my lungs screaming out the Happy Birthday song... but suppressed the urge on second thoughts, too scared that I might wake Him up.

Come to think of it... does God follow Greenwich Mean Time???

Across Seven Seas and Thirteen Rivers...

Last night I was at my own farewell party, smoking cheap cigars and guzzling watery beer till I dozed off. Tonight I have no clue where I am, struggling to sleep as that familiar sting in my left shoulder keeps creeping up. Why is it that pain always makes you remember the one you love the most? Between fond memories and a damaged ligament, my brain is a tangled mess right now... everything seems so surreal. I think my body clock is trying to adjust to the fact that I’ve just flown across five Time Zones.

They say everyone is destined to revisit their birthplace... welcome to United Kingdom.

Comfortably Numb...

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re sayin’.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I… have become comfortably numb.

Dreams don’t shatter like glass. They don’t crack through the middle, breaking into a million pieces.. each fragment identical to their mother, only uglier. No... they don’t crumble into dust. Dust, you can sweep away and forget about. Dreams curl up and disappear. And yet... loom all around your consciousness.. forever.

Life In A Metro

“Is shahr mein bas ek ghum hain, har ghar mein ek kamra kam hain”

This so aptly describes my plight living in this cramped city. A third of my salary goes towards house rent each month and yet the only space I get is the floor-area taken up by my 6ft-by-3ft mattress. With seven people staying in a 2 (matchbox-sized) bedroom flat, I really do miss my privacy… not to mention the other things that go missing like my socks and handkerchiefs. The only solitude I enjoy would be the first five minutes in the loo.. after which somebody or the other will invariably come banging on the door asking me to hurry up.

But I love this crowd... yup, I love all six of my flat-mates. There’s the Bengali intellectual who loves debating on whether true democracy exists, the Bihari gizmo-freak who stays glued to his new 17-inch laptop, the Oriya alcoholic who has a taste for bar-dancers, the Mallu communist who believes everyone should pay their taxes, the Mangalorian bodybuilder who has protein shake for breakfast-lunch-dinner, and lastly the Kannadiga hermit who nobody knows much about. The combined effect is 24/7 non-stop entertainment.

Funny how that sums up my experience of this city... even with our myriad miseries, entertainment is what we are best known for.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I proudly present... the city that redefined masala and gave us Bollywood... aamchi Mumbai.

Mind Fucked

My passport now bears a stamp saying I can officially set foot in the UK and work there for the next 24 months. There's just one slight hiccup. The client quoted a price too less, and that’s why we are withdrawing from the project. Translated... me going nowhere.

Funny how our minds work... I’m feeling worthless now coz I didn’t get something I never wanted in the first place. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh!

Had it all chalked out in November. Would have quit this job and gone for my MBA. I was even on the right track... gave my entrance exams, scored decent enough, and was looking for b-schools to apply.

Just then the devil snooped in and put in my head this brilliant career move. For the first time in my life, I decided to make a jump from Plan A to Plan B without a safety rope.

...and all the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Revolving Is Okay...

Revolving is okay. What I can’t take is rotation!!!

I was made to revolve around the Sun. I’m always at a fixed distance away from her. I know she’s there for me and I also know that she won’t just cease to exist in my life all of a sudden. Well.. at least not for another zillion years, that is. I can feel her warmth, her glow, her existence.. all the time. The truth is.. I am because she is. And yet we are not together. We both survive as separate entities complementing each others presence. She breathes life into my continuation and yet.. we are not together. By some cosmic turn of events, we are spaced apart and this distance will always be there.

Don’t get me wrong.. I’m not complaining. All this shit is actually okay. It wasn’t always so, but I’ve come to terms with it. I mean, come to think of it.. what other options do I have? Either I could break free from my orbit and hurtle into the darkness of perpetuity.. or I could plunge into her fiery depths and burn out. Well, both don’t seem too appealing to me. I’m kinda comfortable this way. That’s why I state “revolving is okay”.

But why do I have to rotate at the same time? Peekaboo.. now I see you, now I don't!! My life is made of days and nights.. and they keep coming at me. It’s just not fair. We face each other in the deadly game of sinful passion, and our emotions get scorched in the heat of day. We turn away from each other, only to experience the deafening tranquility of night. It’s no fun oscillating between these two extremes.. trust me.

A Testimonial for Her...

"So when are you writing one for me???" she asked. "And when you do, feel free to lie blatantly, just like all the others have.”

But as I sit here now, staring hard at my monitor... half expecting a few magical words to materialize out of sheer nothingness... panic grips me. How could I possibly pen down what this girl means to me? How do I objectively list out what I feel about my heartbeat... when, from as long as I can remember, my existence has been intertwined with hers?

And then... she flits back into my thoughts.

She is my pillar of strenth, my only weakness... the cold voice that pushes me to dig out life, the warm bosom that cradles me when I falter... the only person who believes that I can change the world, the only person for whom I would ever want to change the world.

Chennai

During those 36 hour train journeys between Kolkata and Bangalore, I used to have a small stopover at Chennai. I would dump my bag in the cloak room and wander around aimlessly in the streets. Soaked with perspiration under the hot sun, I would listen to snippets of conversation in a language alien. For those couple of hours.. all alone.. I was free from the past that Kolkata wrapped me in, free from the future that Bangalore offered.

Three AM

Its three AM on a cold December night. The cloudy sky extends her arms to greet us, as our bus rushes towards the impassive darkness. I lie awake, not because of the bumpy ride... but to watch you, cuddled up against me, fast asleep. The soft blue light runs along your smooth cheeks and drips down your body. Through the slight parting of your lips, I catch a glimpse of your tongue... mocking me with enticement. I lean forward to listen to the sensuous sound of you breathing.

Suddenly, a cloud shifts... revealing the sharp moon rays, which scamper across the night sky to prick your face. You wrinkle your nose in silent discomfort. I slowly put my right hand on your eyes... to cover your fragile beauty, to protect your innocence. You let out a soft, throaty moan, as you snuggle up closer. Maybe, just maybe... I am in love.

On Loony Lyrics and Life

“Relationships are made of glass” said my eccentric roomie in one of his not-so-rare poetic moods... “they are difficult to make, but easy to break.”

Generally I turn a deaf ear to these cheesy lines from my lyrical friend... but not this time. This time I couldn’t help but muse upon his choice of words and chuckle. How wrong he was.

Point 1 : Making glass is not at all difficult. Ask any Chemical Engineering graduate who is worth his salt... and he’ll explain to you the entire process along with the Design Requirements and Thermodynamic Considerations. It’s just glass.

Point 2 : Breaking up is not that easy. Period.

We have officially called it off... our raisons d'être being too many. In fact, it’s been six months since we decided to crawl out of each other’s lives. Six painful months of consciously trying to keep myself from thinking about her... and I’m getting nowhere.

You see, breaking up is not that easy.

Five years ago... I fell in love with a goddess. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or worse... till death do us part.

Get On With It...

Ok, so I’m a software engineer... and as much as I would love to hold somebody’s head down under water, the truth is... I can’t. Like the many other things I’m forbidden to do… ignore the 6:30 a.m. alarm every morning... enjoy the feeling of sweat trickling down the back of my shirt… have a social life outside my cramped cubicle space. I can’t.

Am I complaining? No... the fat paycheck I receive on the 30th of each month forbids me to do that too.

Welcome to my life.

The First Step

Blog... short for weblog... can be defined as an online personal journal... a frequent, chronological publication of personal thoughts, reflections, comments etc.

To me, it is that funny sound you hear when you are forcefully holding someone’s head under water trying to drown him.

BLOG-BLOG-BLOG...

Silence.

ARCTOPHYLAX

Arctophylax, the guardian of Arctos, was the ancient name of Arcturus (as referred to in Psalm 96:13)... the name of the brightest star in the Great Bear constellation.

It is pictured as a man walking rapidly, with a spear in his right hand and a sickle in his left hand.

Behind, and seeming to urge on the Bear,
Arctophylax, on earth Bootes named,
Sheds over the Arctic car his silver light.

The Greeks called this star Bo-otes, derived from the Hebrew root 'Bo' which means 'come'.

For He cometh,
For He cometh to judge the earth;
He shall judge the world in righteousness,
And the people with His truth.